New smuggling code has been added.. I had started working on this six months ago then another project came up so I never got to finish.

Now, it finally is. Basically it allows a character who dabbles in less lawful activities, to smuggle in goods at a reduced cost. Different goods are available at different seasons/days of the week. And different characters will have access to a variety of different things.

It is based off the smuggling skill, which requires, in turn, hide and steal.

Syntax is smuggle list or smuggle buy and must be used at the docks.

Again. Can’t sleep. Though I suspect the cause of this has something to do with the fact that I slept in this morning to almost midday. Which was delightful in and of itself. Really nice actually. Though of course, I got an earful of disapproval from my Mother. But then again, is there anything I do that doesn’t?

I admit there’s a part of me at the moment which would really love to rant about it and the constant put downs she emits throughout the course of the day. But really, there’s not much point. Just read one of the old rant posts and you’ll get the general gist of it. It’s always the same. ‘How dare you have friends/fun/smile/enjoy yourself when you should be cooking/cleaning/doing something I want.’ Or. ‘Look at this cup/speck/shirt/any object, how did it get there/what is this doing here/you didn’t clean this properly.’ Followed by ‘This is how you /must/ do it next time… ‘ [insert obsessive compulsive method here].

I think that is one of the big things holding me back from being able to truly be happy and feel good about  my self as a mum, as a student and generally as a person. Yes, sometimes people do say nice things to be, once every now and then. But the bad stuff outweighs it by 100 to 1. I can ignore some of the bad stuff and tell myself it’s not true. But, after hearing it day in day out, constantly…  my shoulders get kind of heavy with it.

Solution is the same as always. Mum moving out. At one point, it seemed obtainable. She was supposed to move out by the start of March. But now, obviously, that isn’t going to happen.

She can’t afford to move out on her own into a standard rental accommodation. The only financially viable option is the disability units offered by state housing. There is a pretty big waiting list of up to a year. And… she hasn’t applied yet. Even worse… I can’t apply for her. And all she has to do, is put the wrong things on her application and well, you guessed it, they won’t accept it and she’s not going anywhere. So, it is very easy for her to sabotage the whole thing. At the moment, she won’t even answer the door/phone/make phone calls, getting her to complete the damn application and go to an interview is impossible. More so when she takes 4-5 hour long baths EACH DAY and considers anything before 3 pm ‘early’.

Same old. Same old.

[/rant]

One week of school observations. One week of bibliography writing. One week of research. Then University starts again. I need a holiday. Srsly.

Finally. After the chemo and so many years, having hair that feels ‘normal’. And long. It reaches to my mid-back now. The colour is gorgeous and I absolutely love it. Though you can’t tell from the picture it’s a deep red/chocolate brown. Worth every dollar.

In order to try ‘fix’ the spammer problem, I upgraded the forum to the latest version. Unfortunately this meant a lot of things broke. Not all of them immediately obvious (including the verification image on registration and the galleries). The problem is, the forum relies on an older version s of the things we use on our server so there was very little I could do to fix it.

So I moved the forums to our .com address and updated the link. The gallery isn’t fixed yet, but that’s next.

So for those of you who link directly to the forum, update it to: http://www.dark-isles.com/forums

I can’t sleep. So here I am, staring bleary eyed at my way-too-bright laptop screen. One eye open, learning to adjust, whilst the other eye is squeezed tightly shut waiting its turn.

My mind thinking too much. Over thinking the past. I’m very aware that I’m still very fragile when it comes to a lot of things. Confidence. Believing people if they say they like me. Believing that I am likable. Trusting people. Believing that I am attractive, or more to the point that someone else might find me attractive. The right people will. I sometimes put on a false bravado here. With faint impressions left from the past. The old me.

I would rather have these thoughts churning around and around in my head tonight written here, in text. Better out than in mmm? And maybe then I can get some sleep. So here goes:

I have one ex- who put a lot of effort over several years,  into convincing me the world was not as it is. That my friends didn’t like me. That he didn’t. That no one did. That I was not worth it. He went to a lot of effort to make it so. Spread a lot of lies. And it’s taken me a long, LONG time for me to start to really come out of my shell and realise that the person that was there before I met him, is still somewhere there now.

I still need a lot of reassurance. Un-coerced. I wish I didn’t. I wish I was a little more normal, like I was before him and could see things as they are. And not require this extra care. Like there isn’t enough wrong with me already, to add another to the long list might be that thing that turns him (or anyone) off of me. I wonder if he is really aware of all the complications that are me. Whether all the good points about me could ever make it worth while. Or is that my ex- still talking in my head? Not entirely. I know I have issues. They’re real. But that they make me not worth while. That bit, that is my ex- in my head. Maybe someone out there still yet thinks my faults endearing. Maybe if I hear the good stuff enough times, it’ll override the bad? I wonder if that is how my sub-consious works.

And my other, more recent ex leaves me terrified of people leaving. Of misjudging what is real, and what is not. And whether what I believe someone feels for me, is real. And a difficulty trusting myself, my instincts and them.

Don’t get me wrong, the fact that I am ’seeing someone’ makes me happy. For those that didn’t know. It’s still relatively new. And I haven’t talked to many people about it. I’m still half expecting him to change his mind, due to the fact that I feel I rail-roaded him into it a bit. And yes, it is online. And again, for me right now, that is a good thing. I doubt that, given my current living situation, I could manage anything in person.

I don’t know if he wants things kept quiet for now. I figure if he doesn’t mind, he’ll let you guys know.

He is not like anyone else I have dated. Though that could be a good thing. Small steps. And he has blonde hair. Long blonde hair. When have I ever dated a guy with blonde hair?  Never. It has been an unspoken rule. No blonde guys.

So I think I know what is wrong with me. And for those that don’t know, I’ve been restless all day. Unsettled. And feeling just ‘weird’.

So, after a bit of thinking, listening to music and ’soul exploring’ I’ve come up with the following hypothesis:

Firstly: My ex disappeared for almost a week. This time, I didn’t miss him as much.

Secondly: Started RPing again.

Thirdly: I’ve started finding myself being ‘interested’ in people again. Nothing serious.

The bit I’m struggling with, is I have (for so long) played the part of someone dis-interested in everyone, something that used to come to me like second nature (flirting) I’m absolutely terrible at now. Even connecting with people on a friends level seems hard now. I don’t know how to interpret people. Read what they mean and what they are saying (always two different things). Like I’ve forgotten how to reply to people instead of ignoring them. Once, a long, long time ago, when I was in my teens, I was taken out of school for a few years. (My Mum’s boyfriend had said we were too stupid to go). When I returned back, after a few years of solitude, I’d forgotten how to socialise. It took a few years and eventually lot of drunken debauchery at uni for me to recover.

Anyways. It kinda feels the same now. Before all of this, I was very used to guys being interested in me. RL. Online. It was easy. Too easy. Arrogant? Maybe. But that is how it was. I would go out clubbing with my bestest buddy and we went out for the dance, and got more than our share of offers by the end of the night. And rarely were they ever accepted. Though we did have one interesting threesome once *cough* And once I slapped a guy for asking me out. Though there was a good reason for that.. he was dating my friend who was standing next to me when he asked. Anyways. We were out for a good time. And no, it has not been always like that for me. I (for reasons hinted at above) was very shy in school and not at all confident in myself. But with things as they were, it was hard /not/ to develop an ego.  That came crashing down when I got sick with cancer. I tried to keep it up, but the shouts of ‘freak’ (I was very thin and didn’t look well I guess.. at one point, my head shaved) one week when I went out without the wig, and the next, normal. It was hard to handle.

So my attention started turning online. And I enjoyed the safety of that medium. Getting to know people. It was… intriguing. At first, like any web noob, I fell in and out of relationships as quickly as one could blink. Some came out to visit me, sometimes me them. Some lasted a while. Some for weeks. Some broke my heart, and me others. One in particular came to mind, a male friend who was always interested in me. But I was always seeing someone else. Eventually I realised (whilst out clubbing) that I had feelings for him (it hit me like a sledge hammer) and I raced home to tell him.. only to find he’d just hooked up with a friend of mine. They dated for a couple of years then we lost touch.

More recently it has been a mix of both. I like the safety that online brings. And the idea that it needn’t necessarily be something lasting or serious. I like connecting with someone on that level, and gradually unravelling them as I learn more.

I digress.

So I think that’s why I feel weird. I have these feeling butterflies fluttering around my insides and I don’t know how to take it. I don’t know which ones to take notice of, and which ones not to.  I don’t want to rewind back six months if I make the wrong choice. Or do or say the wrong thing. I feel like I could easily mess things up. But I don’t want to ignore it either.

A final few thoughts:

Almost all my relationships and the like have started from the guy approaching me and showing an obvious interest. Never the other way around. Any time I tried, even back then, all the guys I was interested in, never liked me back. I think that aspect doesn’t help as well. So, perhaps I’m also waiting for someone to say ‘hey, I want you’. Because then I don’t fall for someone and get hurt when they’re not keen.

After an error in deciding to search for ‘cummings’ in my gmail, I found the poem I was looking for. My favourite:

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don’t cry
–the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids’ flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

So I got a lead to connect my ipod Touch to the surround sound system for the tv.. and it truly is fabulous. I should of done this long, long ago.

And I’m starting to realise that whilst a bit weird and power-consuming, my Mum’s 4-5 hour daily baths are a good thing. It means I have a fair chunk of the day to myself. More time out if I work my day right.

Tonight I’m in a bit of a weird mood. Bored and restless. Want to be doing something. Eager to be doing something but nothing appeals. Eager for contact, interaction. Play (I won’t elaborate on that).

Kris – your toe-breaking antics really are legendary, and no, they will never be lived down. Ever. Try to avoid doing anything dangerous like… walking, for a bit hmm?

I spent ages tonight going through a pretty cool handcraft site I found, too long. It sucked the life out of me. Anyways, here was the result:

I hope that works… *previews* that would be a no. So you guys just get a boring old link instead: http://www.etsy.com/favorite_listings_public.php?user_id=9107124&ref=favorites

Anyone (save for my stalker – please, don’t get me anything) who wishes to get me anything for valentines/birthday/easter/any reason really, feel free! All of it is gorgeous.

This feels very random. Lots of snippets. I want to post a poem but not sure if my friend who gave it to me would mind. I hope not, because I still am. I admit that I have had a bit of a crush on him. His writing has always sung to me. First this one:

8

Half the blossoms blew open early,
eager to express their blushing,
eager as adolescence.

All manner of impudent color
poured out over the avenue,
poured out in rebellion
against the weatherman’s report.

Half the blossoms blew open early
–half as grand as they
might have been.

And this one:

10

I cannot move my thoughts around you,

or launch them over, sift them through,

dodge or weave or slip them underneath.

I have tried,

I have tried all night;

between whiskey laughs I strain

to catch a whisper of reports

from the front.

(The telephone’s become a king of king,

a pocket-god, icon I reverently

attend to between drinks. I was once

an unbeliever.)

And lastly a couple of  favourites of mine introduced to me by a man I briefly had a bit of a foray with back in 2000. I wish I still had that book:

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

Well that’s it. The tattoo design I’m hoping to get done sometime over the next couple of weeks. Well, I plan to add a small Eihwaz in the bottom right corner too. Got to go have a chat to the parlour about it. The dragon isn’t original, though I did add in the red ribbon. I’m undecided about location.

My first choice was at the nape of my neck. Then wasn’t sure about not being able to admire it all the time myself! So then I thought, maybe upper arm.. and lastly, I have been very tempted by having it done full back. In the end, I do think I’ll go for the base of my neck.

Just got the pricing back from the parlour:

Hi there, Thanks for sending through that design. For the detail in the dragon the smallest we could do it would be 10cm long by 6cm wide, the cost for this will be $250. Upping the size to 30cm long x 16.5xm’s wide you will be looking at $480.  Thanks for your enquiry kind regards Emma