Rough night.
I don’t know how to deal with Mum when she gets like this. In the end, I followed my brothers advise and walked out. Or more to the point, went down to my room for the rest of the night.
What was it over this time? Initially, at least, Mum had decided she wanted me to have spares of everything out and ready in case Ewan woke during the night and needed a change. I politely told her that it wasn’t a problem to get things out as needed as everything was pretty handy as it was. She, of course, refused to accept a no. And because I refused to do what she wanted me to, it was ‘neglecting’ Ewan. Because he had to go through a few seconds extra time awake because I had to lean down to get the spare clothes from the cubby hole rather than on top of it.
And how she couldn’t bare for me to neglect him for even a few seconds.. I said Ewan was fine, and again reiterated that I was going to continue to do things as I was. But.. it just went volcanic from there.
I tried to explain to her that I needed to make my own choices for myself and Ewan and that at first, I might make a couple of mistakes and take a little bit of time to find my own ‘groove’ but it was my choice and my decision to do so. And this was okay and a normally process of me learning to be a Mum and do things my way. Basically everything the counselor has reiterated to me.
But no, I’m not allowed to make my own choices because everything I do effects her. If I get things out of the cubby hole during the night, I sometimes muss it up a little and then things aren’t folded right when I put it back and she can’t put everything in them how she wants. I’ve told her time and time again not to, that Ewan’s things are my responsibilty but of course.. I don’t do a good enough job.. at anything. So she has to do it. Like today, she went down into Ewan’s bedroom and took out his basket of soft toys I keep there for him, saying she felt his soft toys needed organising and sorting out. Damn it. Like all of his other toys. Every toy is categorised and in a different basket or spot. Books have to be in height order and everything -must- go back the way it was. He’s a toddler. It is impossible for me to meet her standards. And she can’t see it.
She said when she came back from being away that the house was an absolute pig sty. But it wasn’t. Truly. The dishes were done, the floors were vacuumed. Everything (bar a few toys were away). Most of the washing was done. The dusting had been done. Even my aunt thought I was doing well on my own those three weeks. But my Mum just said my Aunt must of been lying.
And apparently ‘everyone’ thinks I don’t do enough. That there are ‘lots’ of others out there studying and a single mum who cope just fine. And if I’m not, there’s something wrong with me. When I asked her who they were, she said she didn’t want to disclose names. Then suggested they were the disability support co-ordinator and her house keepers.
I tried to explain to mum that I’m a single mum, studying and getting A+s. And that it is okay for a single mum to have a bit of a messy house sometimes. She did when we were little (according to my aunt heh, my Mum’s place was a pigsty when we were toddlers). But she said it wasn’t. And that I’m just not good enough.
She went on to say I do a bad job with Ewan, that he is ‘out of control’. That I neglect him. And I don’t do enough for him.
In the end, I had to say, we just have different priorities in life, and how we want our house is incompatible and the best thing for us to do is to part ways. She wasn’t happy.
I don’t know what else to do.
I can’t move right now. I have 2 weeks break between semesters but I don’t think I can co-ordinate looking and moving in that short of a time frame. Especially given the fact that I have to give 3 weeks notice. And I can’t afford to not have a place. And I have no car. And very little furniture. And I feel guilty because my grandfather was just here last weekend fencing the back yard for Ewan.
I could possibly afford this place, but Mum won’t move out (though she can’t afford it on her own). And even if she did move out.. it’s off the bus route to uni now (they changed the buses). And it is very difficult to get in… the bus trip is about 1hour all up (normally 15mins). And Ewan won’t last that long on a bus. 
I am glad I am seeing the counselor this week.