For Comp333 (web app development):
My internal mark is going to be about 78 out of 80. I only need a 7 out of 20 in this test to get an A+.
For Comp235 (math):
Reason A: This test tomorrow is worth 30%. However, my final grade is made up of either 50% internal and 50% final exam (the test being part of internal) or 100% exam. What ever is better. However, the exam is on the last day of the exam period, with 2 weeks of uninterrupted study. Plenty of time to improve my grade.
Reason B: It is second year, it doesn’t count towards honours. I only need to pass.
And yet, I still can’t convince myself of this. I think, deep down I still feel like I’m making up for the past. I did so badly at University (academically) the first time around, I feel I have to make up for it. Sure there were reasons for the crappyness the first time around, cancer being a big one. But ultimately the 4 days a week partying were a large part of it too. And boy were there some amazing parties.. I remember going through 7 or so kegs of Steinlarger and having to taxi in more.. and a waterfall of beer going down our back steps.. and people drinking out of our pots because we were too cheap to buy cups for them. I remember a massive party we had to get kicked out of our fixed term tenancy contract. We had helicopters flying over head. They talked about our flat parties for years afterwards.
I missed out socially, a lot, in my teens and I made up for it at University. I learned a lot of things there that I really needed to learn. Perhaps more so than the academics.
But the guilt is still there. I know that because for the last 6 years after dropping out of University, I’ve had re-occuring nightmares about failing. They stopped when I started again at Waikato. And I’ve not scored below an A since. Actually I’ve only had one A, all the rest are A+s. But still, in my mind, it is less about my achievement, and more about it being easy. It isn’t though. I work bloody hard for it. But I seem to be cheating myself out of feeling accomplished. I did well because it was easy. Not I did well because I earned it.