byCarmine

I can’t sleep. So here I am, staring bleary eyed at my way-too-bright laptop screen. One eye open, learning to adjust, whilst the other eye is squeezed tightly shut waiting its turn.

My mind thinking too much. Over thinking the past. I’m very aware that I’m still very fragile when it comes to a lot of things. Confidence. Believing people if they say they like me. Believing that I am likable. Trusting people. Believing that I am attractive, or more to the point that someone else might find me attractive. The right people will. I sometimes put on a false bravado here. With faint impressions left from the past. The old me.

I would rather have these thoughts churning around and around in my head tonight written here, in text. Better out than in mmm? And maybe then I can get some sleep. So here goes:

I have one ex- who put a lot of effort over several years,  into convincing me the world was not as it is. That my friends didn’t like me. That he didn’t. That no one did. That I was not worth it. He went to a lot of effort to make it so. Spread a lot of lies. And it’s taken me a long, LONG time for me to start to really come out of my shell and realise that the person that was there before I met him, is still somewhere there now.

I still need a lot of reassurance. Un-coerced. I wish I didn’t. I wish I was a little more normal, like I was before him and could see things as they are. And not require this extra care. Like there isn’t enough wrong with me already, to add another to the long list might be that thing that turns him (or anyone) off of me. I wonder if he is really aware of all the complications that are me. Whether all the good points about me could ever make it worth while. Or is that my ex- still talking in my head? Not entirely. I know I have issues. They’re real. But that they make me not worth while. That bit, that is my ex- in my head. Maybe someone out there still yet thinks my faults endearing. Maybe if I hear the good stuff enough times, it’ll override the bad? I wonder if that is how my sub-consious works.

And my other, more recent ex leaves me terrified of people leaving. Of misjudging what is real, and what is not. And whether what I believe someone feels for me, is real. And a difficulty trusting myself, my instincts and them.

Don’t get me wrong, the fact that I am ‘seeing someone’ makes me happy. For those that didn’t know. It’s still relatively new. And I haven’t talked to many people about it. I’m still half expecting him to change his mind, due to the fact that I feel I rail-roaded him into it a bit. And yes, it is online. And again, for me right now, that is a good thing. I doubt that, given my current living situation, I could manage anything in person.

I don’t know if he wants things kept quiet for now. I figure if he doesn’t mind, he’ll let you guys know.

He is not like anyone else I have dated. Though that could be a good thing. Small steps. And he has blonde hair. Long blonde hair. When have I ever dated a guy with blonde hair?  Never. It has been an unspoken rule. No blonde guys.

So I think I know what is wrong with me. And for those that don’t know, I’ve been restless all day. Unsettled. And feeling just ‘weird’.

So, after a bit of thinking, listening to music and ‘soul exploring’ I’ve come up with the following hypothesis:

Firstly: My ex disappeared for almost a week. This time, I didn’t miss him as much.

Secondly: Started RPing again.

Thirdly: I’ve started finding myself being ‘interested’ in people again. Nothing serious.

The bit I’m struggling with, is I have (for so long) played the part of someone dis-interested in everyone, something that used to come to me like second nature (flirting) I’m absolutely terrible at now. Even connecting with people on a friends level seems hard now. I don’t know how to interpret people. Read what they mean and what they are saying (always two different things). Like I’ve forgotten how to reply to people instead of ignoring them. Once, a long, long time ago, when I was in my teens, I was taken out of school for a few years. (My Mum’s boyfriend had said we were too stupid to go). When I returned back, after a few years of solitude, I’d forgotten how to socialise. It took a few years and eventually lot of drunken debauchery at uni for me to recover.

Anyways. It kinda feels the same now. Before all of this, I was very used to guys being interested in me. RL. Online. It was easy. Too easy. Arrogant? Maybe. But that is how it was. I would go out clubbing with my bestest buddy and we went out for the dance, and got more than our share of offers by the end of the night. And rarely were they ever accepted. Though we did have one interesting threesome once *cough* And once I slapped a guy for asking me out. Though there was a good reason for that.. he was dating my friend who was standing next to me when he asked. Anyways. We were out for a good time. And no, it has not been always like that for me. I (for reasons hinted at above) was very shy in school and not at all confident in myself. But with things as they were, it was hard /not/ to develop an ego.  That came crashing down when I got sick with cancer. I tried to keep it up, but the shouts of ‘freak’ (I was very thin and didn’t look well I guess.. at one point, my head shaved) one week when I went out without the wig, and the next, normal. It was hard to handle.

So my attention started turning online. And I enjoyed the safety of that medium. Getting to know people. It was… intriguing. At first, like any web noob, I fell in and out of relationships as quickly as one could blink. Some came out to visit me, sometimes me them. Some lasted a while. Some for weeks. Some broke my heart, and me others. One in particular came to mind, a male friend who was always interested in me. But I was always seeing someone else. Eventually I realised (whilst out clubbing) that I had feelings for him (it hit me like a sledge hammer) and I raced home to tell him.. only to find he’d just hooked up with a friend of mine. They dated for a couple of years then we lost touch.

More recently it has been a mix of both. I like the safety that online brings. And the idea that it needn’t necessarily be something lasting or serious. I like connecting with someone on that level, and gradually unravelling them as I learn more.

I digress.

So I think that’s why I feel weird. I have these feeling butterflies fluttering around my insides and I don’t know how to take it. I don’t know which ones to take notice of, and which ones not to.  I don’t want to rewind back six months if I make the wrong choice. Or do or say the wrong thing. I feel like I could easily mess things up. But I don’t want to ignore it either.

A final few thoughts:

Almost all my relationships and the like have started from the guy approaching me and showing an obvious interest. Never the other way around. Any time I tried, even back then, all the guys I was interested in, never liked me back. I think that aspect doesn’t help as well. So, perhaps I’m also waiting for someone to say ‘hey, I want you’. Because then I don’t fall for someone and get hurt when they’re not keen.

After an error in deciding to search for ‘cummings’ in my gmail, I found the poem I was looking for. My favourite:

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don’t cry
–the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids’ flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

So I got a lead to connect my ipod Touch to the surround sound system for the tv.. and it truly is fabulous. I should of done this long, long ago.

And I’m starting to realise that whilst a bit weird and power-consuming, my Mum’s 4-5 hour daily baths are a good thing. It means I have a fair chunk of the day to myself. More time out if I work my day right.

Tonight I’m in a bit of a weird mood. Bored and restless. Want to be doing something. Eager to be doing something but nothing appeals. Eager for contact, interaction. Play (I won’t elaborate on that).

Kris – your toe-breaking antics really are legendary, and no, they will never be lived down. Ever. Try to avoid doing anything dangerous like… walking, for a bit hmm?

I spent ages tonight going through a pretty cool handcraft site I found, too long. It sucked the life out of me. Anyways, here was the result:

I hope that works… *previews* that would be a no. So you guys just get a boring old link instead: http://www.etsy.com/favorite_listings_public.php?user_id=9107124&ref=favorites

Anyone (save for my stalker – please, don’t get me anything) who wishes to get me anything for valentines/birthday/easter/any reason really, feel free! All of it is gorgeous.

This feels very random. Lots of snippets. I want to post a poem but not sure if my friend who gave it to me would mind. I hope not, because I still am. I admit that I have had a bit of a crush on him. His writing has always sung to me. First this one:

8

Half the blossoms blew open early,
eager to express their blushing,
eager as adolescence.

All manner of impudent color
poured out over the avenue,
poured out in rebellion
against the weatherman’s report.

Half the blossoms blew open early
–half as grand as they
might have been.

And this one:

10

I cannot move my thoughts around you,

or launch them over, sift them through,

dodge or weave or slip them underneath.

I have tried,

I have tried all night;

between whiskey laughs I strain

to catch a whisper of reports

from the front.

(The telephone’s become a king of king,

a pocket-god, icon I reverently

attend to between drinks. I was once

an unbeliever.)

And lastly a couple of  favourites of mine introduced to me by a man I briefly had a bit of a foray with back in 2000. I wish I still had that book:

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

Well that’s it. The tattoo design I’m hoping to get done sometime over the next couple of weeks. Well, I plan to add a small Eihwaz in the bottom right corner too. Got to go have a chat to the parlour about it. The dragon isn’t original, though I did add in the red ribbon. I’m undecided about location.

My first choice was at the nape of my neck. Then wasn’t sure about not being able to admire it all the time myself! So then I thought, maybe upper arm.. and lastly, I have been very tempted by having it done full back. In the end, I do think I’ll go for the base of my neck.

Just got the pricing back from the parlour:

Hi there, Thanks for sending through that design. For the detail in the dragon the smallest we could do it would be 10cm long by 6cm wide, the cost for this will be $250. Upping the size to 30cm long x 16.5xm’s wide you will be looking at $480.  Thanks for your enquiry kind regards Emma

Thanks to a new friend, a flattering email, a little alcohol (yay Steinlarger), dropping uni papers, music and the prospect of a day out tomorrow I’m feeling better and managing the storm that is my Mum’s return.

Whilst sometimes I enjoy being on my own. Having time to myself and all the independence it brings. (I really am half-hermit). Sometimes it is also so hard. When things are rough, there is no one there to say, ‘Hey, it is okay. You’re doing a good job. Just take some time out and breathe’. Just my Mum telling me how bad a job I’m doing. It feels like there is no one that even cares. No one that I can talk to when I get upset without me feeling that I am somehow imposing on them because I don’t know them well enough to do it. Or they know so little about me that talking to them is difficult, without having to go over a lot of history that I find difficult to talk about. No one I can call to come around to take Ewan off my hands, just for a few minutes so I can take a -real- break. I know he naps, sometimes. But it isn’t quite the same thing.

I’m sorry. It is my mood at the moment. Most of the time I’m able to bury it but not right now. Trying to tell myself the things that someone else once did, though it isn’t working so well. The neighbour was playing his guitar and that was helping.. so maybe some more music to clear my head.

The ground disappeared from beneath
And all that was solid is air
I tumbled end over end into my nature
And darkness appeared from below
Carrying voices of query, voices of theory
Dark voices, near me
All around and reason is drowned
By the sound of clamour
The pound of the hammer
Is confusion, illusion
Plunged into shadows and mist
I catch my breath, frightened
But I will not face death still unenlightened

~ Faithless