byCarmine

Firstly, in contrast to the title, I want to say a thank you to everyone who have submitted ideas for the Evocation spells. I hope to put them in over the next couple of days and will let you know how that goes and reward.

Next bit. I can’t sleep. I should be able to. I’m tired, but it’s another one of those nights when things just keep running through my brain.

For a song that is 13th on the APRA Top 100 New Zealand songs of all time.. it was very hard to find on YouTube… the best I could find wasn’t good enough so my search continued elsewhere and I came up with this.  Another oldie with lots of memories. Silly memories when I was in love with my best friend who frequently shared my bed in a very platonic way and somewhat agonising way (for me), which gives the starting lyrics all the more meaning,

“Hello my friend, it’s morning time to wake now.

Your body and mine, entwined we’ll have to break now.

I want your flesh, your warmth to stay beside me…”

I also remember singing this song with another good friend in front of a too-large audience at my University Hostel. Needless to say, I got rather drunk to give myself the courage for the performance. So here it is: Not Given Lightly, by Chris Knox.

Wow. I’m good at procrastinating. I’m completely avoiding the topic. And now… 2am. So yeah. Question for those out there that are paired, or not and once were. Birthdays, valentines, graduations, anniversaries, mothers days, and other such special occasions? Do you do anything for them in respect of your better half? Ignore them? How would you feel if they ignored them? Or is it not such a big deal? And when I mean ‘do anything’ I don’t necessarily mean going out and spending a lot of money. Whether it be a simple ‘Happy Birthday’ spoken, or a home made card, breakfast in bed, or yummy home cooked meal.  Or a dozen roses and a meal out in restaurant. What sort of things do you like to do for the person you love?

I think, growing up I didn’t exactly have boyfriends. My teenage life was weird to say the least. Far from normal (but that is a long story and short of staying up to 5am, I’m not getting into that here). But I saw a number of my friends acquaintances at school with boyfriends. And I admit to always being jealous, and imagined that one day, that would be me. I’d have some great guy who cared about me, and made me feel special on those special days too. My ex- did the exact opposite and took particular care to make sure my birthdays were pretty horrid. So coming out on the other side of that it is all the more important to me. But given my past experience, my expectations as to what is special isn’t that high. And I can’t seem to get past the fact that my current bf couldn’t think of a single thing to say or do for me, for these occasions. My birthday went by without a happy birthday. No email in my inbox. No postcard with a scribbled poem. Nothing.

Or maybe I’m making too big a deal out of this.

Just finished watching Samurai 7 and really enjoyed it. Loved the series and the epic and yet tragic feel to it, despite  the happy ending. Looking for another to watch and keep me awake till the early morn’.

Deviant Kambei Fanart

Deviant Kambei Fanart

Okay. A post on something meaningful. Something that is not another mother-rant. A post that is not a code update. And is not a cute-Ewan-photos-post.

For those that are new to my blog and my life, it has been a bit of a roller coaster. There’s always been a lot of shit going on. And to catch those who haven’t been around, up on things it went kind of like this:

University in Auckland for 3 years -> Cancer for 1 year -> Ran away to Australia for 9 months -> Ran away to UK -> Emotionally and physically abusive husband for 6 years -> Returned to NZ, enrolled in Uni found out I was pregnant -> Studied and had a beautiful boy -> Invited my Mum to move in with me for a year -> 2 years later she’s still there, driving me insane.

My husband, I’m separated from and have been since I returned to New Zealand. Marrying him wasn’t one of my best decisions. But there was a lot of pressure on me. It was last minute. There was no wedding. No wedding dress. Not a single member of my family there. And at the time, it was billed to me as just a piece of paper, not a real wedding. Just to allow us to continue to date and see each other. And yet, the moment the piece of paper was signed at the registry, things changed. I won’t get into that too much here, yet. But it was mostly bad, but had enough good in it to at first, make me want to keep trying. I believed the promises. Eventually I didn’t, but by that time, getting out of it was too hard and took a long time to organise.

But eventually I did it, with the help and support of a good friend. I still don’t feel like I’m married or have been. We never lived a real married life, if there ever was such a thing.  I was not a girl who dreamed of a perfect wedding, or play-acted it as kids. Maybe that was because we travelled too much growing up so I never had friends long enough to do that sort of thing with. It’s nothing I’ve ever really thought too much… at least, until recently when I started following a style blog, on which they posted daily these amazing wedding photographs and designs. And it made me want to have that. I still want it, that person that is perfect for me. That knows me so well. Who can cheer me up and make me feel amazing, who supports me and likes me and wants to be with me. And I am surprised that I still want to get married, and have that perfect wedding day. I look at these design blogs and see a photo, or an arrangement or an invitation and think, ‘I want that’. I’m not at the stage where I’m book marking or (heaven forbid) buying magazines and cutting things out to put in a scrap book. Just more… day-dreaming. I think.

EDIT: Forgot, another Kiwi song. This one an oldie by Headless Chickens: George

As I go about my day, I often think of things I’d like to write. And a part of me wishes I had an internal notepad to jot these things down. But alas, I don’t. And often by the time I come to the end of the day when I lie quietly in my bed, in my room, either I’ve forgotten what inspired me, my Mum had done her usual, or I am just too emotionally exhausted and just want to blob out in front of [insert here: True Blood | Outrageous Fortune | Community | etc. ].

So, today I’m going to make a half-hearted attempt to change that. Whilst I might not get to the thing I did want to blog about tonight, I did want to include something I had been thinking about for the last couple of days. In the name of promoting some New Zealand music, I wanted to include a song I really like by a kiwi artist, Tiki Taane:

Okay, only 15 minutes left. Certainly not enough time for work but enough time for a short post here. I haven’t really been able to get much work done today really asides from 2 hours on artnews.. after which the internet here decided to collapse, first https went down then ftp. It’s up now, but barely. Hopefully I’ll have better luck at home.

Over the last week I’ve been scouring blogs (yay Feedly), for new reads. In particular, I’ve been looking for Mum’s and Single Mum’s blogs. For anyone that reads here regularly knows how much of a hard time my Mum gives me on a daily basis. And when I’m feeling strong, I know what she’s saying is wrong. That she lives in her own world and it is NOT reality. But after a long week/month/year of it, there are points where I doubt myself. But in reading these blogs, I feel it starting to fade. I don’t need to be perfect. Even if my Mum claims she was and is. It doesn’t matter that I’m not perfect. And sometimes it is a good thing that I’m not. I would rather spend time with Ewan playing and having fun than spending all day and night scrubbing everything till perfection.

It’s gotten to the point where my Mum won’t let my own son eat his breakfast in case he spills it. So, he’s not properly learning how to feed himself. This morning, Mum told me off because I didn’t heat my son’s breakfast bowl in the oven before serving him it. I told her, that such wasn’t needed and she insisted that he liked it  and somehow by not doing it, I was a terrible mother. I argued, if he did like it, it is because she’s instilling in him fussy OCD behaviours that are not normal. And I don’t want to encourage it. She wasn’t happy with me.

And unfortunately when she isn’t happy with me (when ever I disagree with her) it lasts for a long time. And has a lasting effect on Ewan and me. The last few days Ewan hasn’t been sleeping at night and has climbed into bed with me. Something he never does. So, sometimes it is easier to not argue with her, just to keep the peace for both myself and Ewan. Unfortunately she confuses silence with agreement. And frequently she’s come back to me the next day saying ‘Why didn’t you boil the water before washing dishes in it, like you said you would?!’

Anyways, back to the point which is what I started with. It is comforting reading other’s blogs. Independent blogs. And reading about others who have bad days, or struggle to manage. And most of these people aren’t working/studying/dealing with a psychotic mother.

I can’t wait to move. Just over 2 months till I  move out of this house, and 3 months till I fly out. I hope it goes quickly.